This is a continuation of the previous post detailing the weirdest wedding traditions you likely took part in. My thoughts were so expansive I saw the need for two posts. Take no offense. These are not accusations. Merely observations.
The last post looked at the garter toss, wedding cake face paint, and terrible toasting. Weird stuff.
Shall we continue?
More Wedding Weirdness
4. "You May Now Kiss The Bride" - Let me be upfront: the kiss is not what I find weird. What's weird is that the minister turns to the freaking groom and gives him permission to kiss her. It's subtle but it weirds me out. Doesn't she have a say in this? Why doesn't the minister say "you may now kiss the groom"? It's like the crescendo of the ceremony is about allowing the groom to release his presumed metephorical handcuffs and kiss her at will because they're married now. slightly creepy.
Most couples have already kissed before the wedding day. And by most I mean everyone except the Dugger children. Why, then, do we treat the kiss at the alter as a "finally you can do it!" moment? We're not witnessing their first or best kiss. Is it their most meaningful? perhaps yes, which is why I like what I heard in one wedding, "You may seal your vows with a kiss." It still gives the kiss a ceremonial importance, without giving this weird sort of subtle sleazy wink to the groom. I know, I know, most people don't even give it thought, it's just mouth sounds that come out during this moment that don't represent the accurate feelings of the couple. However, it doesn't make it any less weird.
5. The Cupid Shuffle/All Choreographed Dance Songs.- Let me go on record right now by saying I absolutely despise the cupid shuffle and believe it to be on par with horrific war crimes. If faced with doing the cupid shuffle or inflicting violent self harm, I would have a hard decision at hand. This dance along with all other choreographed dances masquerade as being cute easy and accessible to all, but this is merely a wolf in sheep's clothing talk. These dances eat at my soul with how repetitive and uncreative they are. You know how Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day feels about his alarm playing Sonny and Cher every morning? That is an incredibly accurate metaphor for how I feel about these songs.
It is so weird that we only ever see these songs at weddings. I've yet to see them played in any sort of public setting. Why do you think that is? It's because they're awful awful awful songs that no one likes and any establishment would be embarrassed by having them play on their sound system. I hypothesize that the reason these always play at weddings is because the dj thinks that it will encourage more people to come to the dance floor and participate. Wrong. Good music is what brings people to the dance floor. Alcohol brings people to the dance floor. Fun people bring people to the dance floor. Not these god-forsaken mishaps.
6. Exiting Through Sparklers - Who thought it was a good idea to give every drunk guest at their wedding a sparkler and then take pictures of them walking through showers of sparks to their getaway car? Having shot my share of weddings this is by-far the most dangerous and frustrating part of the day. If alcohol was served at the reception, forget it. Herding cats has nothing on herding drunk adults with fire in their hand.
It shocks me that people don't get seriously injured from sparklers. I've had several people wave it near my face because I've got a camera (not cool). Some men think its fun to try and burn their friends with the sparks. Some like to put the sparkler in their mouth (sigh).
But besides the safety weirdness, I also find weird at how common this is. These is about as assured as the bride wearing a white dress. I get that it makes for nice pictures, and that when its evening the sparklers look cool. But it's becoming so commonplace. Why do we need a grand exit? I know throwing rice was a thing for a while, and I've seen people do bubbles when I was younger. But, as of today, Every single wedding I have worked on has had sparklers. They've become a consistent fixture and a random tradition.
7. Wedding Parties - I one hundred percent understand wanting to have your best friends and family with you while you get ready for your wedding. I one hundred percent don't understand why there's a pressure to choose and rank which friends are your favorite, dress them all the same, and display them for everyone during the ceremony. This inevitably hurts peoples feelings and creates a huge expense for the weddings. Why not invite your friends to hang out with you the day of the wedding and have them help you get ready without the fanfare and stupid weird proclamations of "You're the best man," and "You're the maid of honor."
Look, this day is about the bride and the groom, not about anyone else, and I think its weird that we freak out about having an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen and that we make them buy suits and dresses that never get worn again, and that we have to explain to people who don't make the cut why they didn't (or worse we don't tell them) and sometimes we feel bad because we realize we don't have as many friends and family that we thought. In my mind, it's weird that its a thing, as it has no ceremonial significance at all.
I realize I might sound a bit harsh or cynical with these inclusions, but please know: I am all in on weddings. I'm not even against some of these things (But definitely against the cupid shuffle) They're just so odd whenever I think about them. Out of context, and even in context they're strange, but don't let that stop you or feel any sense of regret. It's your big day, after all. And if you've participated in the weirdness like I have, well, just look back and smile and embrace the oddities.