This post is my therapy. Hopefully it provides insight and encouragement to those experiencing similarly. I’ve learned to love process, and this is a glimpse into the grieving process, to my grieving process
If you’re friends with me and my wife, it is no secret that we have suffered more than a few miscarriages. A few weeks ago we had another.
This one felt very different though. This one came after developing a plan with the fertility doctor and my wife taking treatments to try and make the pregnancy a healthy one. This after seeing previous doctors about our infertility struggles. This felt like it was final. We can’t have children.
What sort of thoughts swirl through your mind when faced with this reality? What challenges do your core beliefs experience? What plans come crashing down?
Guys, the weeks after our latest miscarriage has been devastating. My wife and I experienced new lows along the way, and have been fighting against depression and anxiety. It's been a battle.
I’m more fatigued these days. I sleep more. I’ve lost interest in many things that brought me joy. I’ve lost motivation to be better, to strive for more, to challenge myself, to achieve goals, because what’s the point?
What’s the point?
And a terrible thing stirring about is the residual guilt that comes from the lack of productivity. No videos, no writing, no creativity. It’s like referred pain in your neck that’s coming from tense muscles in your back. It feels like you can’t do anything about it, even though you know what the problem is. I wish i could just skip ahead a year. Many who feel the same also desire this.
About a month has gone by, and a few counseling sessions later i’m crawling out of the bottom and finding myself on the upswing. I feel less dread. I’m working better. I have God to thank, and my wife to lean on. It hasn’t been lost on my thoughts, but i’m already starting to learn to live with the reality.
Which is what I've learned about experiencing loss. It doesn't hurt any less. You just learn to live with it. There's a new normal now. This normal is a life with 5 kids I'll never know. I'm accepting it more and more with each day. It still makes me sad, but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy what I once did.
The grieving period is a time where its okay to not be 100% operative. It’s okay to be scraping by. It’s okay to be sad, confused, angry. It’s okay to change your routine. It’s okay to get away for a bit. This is normal. People experience it and have experienced it for centuries.
These days I'm doing more of the activities that brought me joy. I'm making videos again. I'm writing. I'm coming up with ideas and learning about real estate. Bit by bit I'm crawling back, ready to get back to it with scars that remind me of where I've been.
There's no shortcut. You have to waddle in it for a while. Cut yourself some slack and live in that moment. There's no way around it, only through it.